Part 3 of 3
Launching 2020 as the “#NotMe” Year
In this series of articles we have been exploring what led to the breakdown of the intended great relationship between men and women. It began with a breach of trust and only in restoration of trust can healing be found.
The arrival of the “Me Too” movement made it clear why men cannot trust women, now less than ever. Decades after events, alleged or real, women have the ability to arm the press in their favor and destroy the lives, families, health and careers of men they may or may not have known. Lies abound and facts do not restore reputation or losses once damage has been done.
The Hindsight of Failure
In “Reversing Eden” we seek to reverse damaging trends by replacing negatives with positives. The “#NOT ME” woman is the one who can be trusted.
Turning the calendar page from 2019 to 2020, we relate the need for 20/20 vision, both past and future. Do we see clearly? Those who forget the past are doomed to repeat it. Those who ignore it will learn nothing. And those who pretend they are stuck in the repeat cycle are missing the point! It is possible to reverse course!
“#NOT ME” is a decision. It is a pledge to oneself and to others, to live up to standards of good character and responsibility. It means not jeopardizing others at any time present or future for simply living lives that crossed paths with ours. It means telling the truth, ALWAYS! Not supplanting truth with “hearsay”, the legal term for rumor. If it wouldn’t stand under judicial scrutiny, don’t say it, don’t repeat it with the purpose of doing injury. It’s pretty simple. Do no harm!
Feminism has left a trail of destruction in its path that cannot be undone, as countless millions of lives have been altered and shattered in the process, even while some blindly prided themselves on benefits.
A wrong course can only be helped by a strong reversal.
We only scratch the surface but I am sadly reminded of the Titanic. Like many great ideas, the supposedly unsinkable ship received many warnings and resisted several options to avoid impact, but only reversed engines after it had hit the iceberg. Too little, too late.
As with the Titanic, in the relationship crisis, in the breakdown of traditional family, it is mostly the men who went down with the ship. Even as by order of custom and priority, women and children were to be saved first, so it parallels with the damages of toxic feminism, unfairly focused on women only. The radios were turned off and warnings ignored. The men gradually fell silent, post-impact, but the consequences continued to escalate. The children themselves were voiceless and remain so.
To validate why this writer is not writing from a vacuum, I include a brief snapshot from personal experience at a time when warnings were being issued, decades ago.
In the mid-1980’s, representatives of three of the largest business advocacy organizations in the country requested I appear before an Editorial Board of the Los Angeles Times. My purpose as their spokesperson was to change the newspaper’s position on an anti-business legislative issue which the paper was promoting, involving misguided family law issues. The issues were harmful to small business and biased towards women’s interests.
As with many such legislative issues, the one I was to contest was being pushed by activist feminists and certain left-leaning organizations. It was not the first time I’d been asked to counter, just the first at the Los Angeles Times. No legislators or others would dare because as was already known at the time, any male opposition voiced to feminist ideas was instantly smeared in the press. There were negative consequences for those exercising the courage to speak the truth. Fake news reporting is nothing new. The long-range analysis of the consequences of events was spurned and despised. Things have not changed, only gotten worse, due to lack of organized opposition.
When I finished my testimony and questioning, mouths fell open, and the L.A. Times reversed its position. It had never occurred to anyone that the short-sighted sponsoring of legislation intended to harm men and male-run businesses might just come back and hit a women business owner as it had me and others. All of a sudden it “mattered” that a woman might be affected? How maddening! How utterly and blindly biased!
Hypocrisy flourishes where vision is non-existent.
Too Little, too Late?
Three decades after my task before the Los Angeles Times, a number of notable, revisionist feminists are waking up to what amounts to “too little, too late” reactions to the cumulative damages. Some are writing books and filling auditoriums to speak about the mess feminism has created. We covered that in a prior article. Alarmingly, some now want to create a new bureaucracy to fix what they and their peers created unfairly to begin with. NO! That is the wrong formula. Let the men, those closest to “ground zero” fix it and lead the way!
Those who claim they “never saw it coming,” or “Who would have thought...?” are not leaders but followers. Their eyes only open now because the previous errors are finally visibly imploding.
WHO saw it Coming?
Well, most of THE MEN saw it coming! So did some far-sighted women, those censored in the past along with their male counterparts. The process perfectly exemplifies the concept embedded in the story of Eden: Eve saw the apple, not the future. She thought she had the better vision, all while being deceived, so she yanked leadership away from her husband.
It should begin to make sense -- WHY man is inherently the better leader.
Men’s and Women’s Brains are Different
Situationally, men have predominantly straight-line, focused thinking capabilities. In this they have a natural leadership when it comes to making decisions and taking action. Women are stronger in peripheral vision but may have no idea what the men are “seeing” in the distance. Their strengths are in the details and they are often more oriented to committee deliberations. When it comes time for action, when it is time for a decision, those in leadership have to know they also bear full responsibility for the consequences and have the courage to bear the consequences. They may have to act alone, without the consent of others.
Eve could have left the figurative apple alone and not used her manipulative skills to tempt her partner. Adam could have chosen not to cave to his partner, leading instead from his long-range perspective. Unfortunately both failed.
Those are not idle conjectures or personal opinions. SCIENCE has slowly been catching up with old wisdom, as stated in this excerpt from recent findings regarding the differences between male and female brains:
“Researchers have discovered structural differences in the brains of men and women including a larger total brain volume in men and higher tissue density in the left amygdala, hippocampus and insular cortex. Amber Ruigrok, Ph.D., carried out the study revealing the asymmetric effect sex has on a developing brain. She said:
“For the first time we can look across the vast literature and confirm that brain size and structure are different in males and females. We should no longer ignore sex in neuroscience research, especially when investigating psychiatric conditions that are more prevalent in either males or females.”
“As scientists gather more information about the specific differences between men and women, it’s generated numerous questions. Roger Fillingim, Ph.D.,from the University of Florida, has spent years researching differences in pain perception and what implications they may have for pain management. It is important to note researchers have consistently found women suffer from anxiety disorders twice as much as men and that this may be related to life experiences or genetic and neurobiological factors.
“Gender differences affect the ways in which men and women use logic and solve problems. Even while at rest, neurological activities in the brain are different.”
Interestingly, management decision-makers are advised to keep one pessimist around for advice. Not because much of what the pessimist has to offer is fun for the optimists, but because he/she may have just that one out-of-the-box insight or warning into a problem that could impair or improve the success of a project -- that one thing that the single-track executive might not think of.
In a couples parallel, men would do well to listen to their wives, consider their input, but not abdicate leadership. Anxiety, emotions and nagging should not be the drivers in decision or policy-making. It is not bullying to take the lead; it is leadership. In a properly working situation, if there isn’t 100% consent on a decision, one needs to just let go of the reins and be supportive.
The women who launched feminism jeered at warnings, reacted defensively to criticisms and embarked on a power trip headed straight for the iceberg.
It is clear what has not been working.
As we covered previously, first-wave feminism sought initially to redress a few perceived wrongs, focused on gaining the right to vote. It sounded good, but not all good “ideas” are worth implementing, let alone legislating. Feminism went grossly overboard and even pushed criminalizing fathers in family law, and employers in the workplace, for not meeting their escalating waves of demands.
Second-wave turned to male-bashing and descended to an increasingly toxic level. Fueled by promiscuity, encouraged by the availability of contraception, marriage was no longer a goal, it’s absence no longer a restraint.
Third-wave feminism grew quickly from the second wave, eager to neutralize the entire concept of masculinity -- comparing men to women, shaming them for being men and calling them “toxic”.
Men are not “broken women”, but women can break their spirits.
Diminishing men out of their roles as leaders, providers and protectors leaves them no purpose. It breaks their morale, their hearts, and their courage. Men tend to live up to what they are most appreciated for, and the role bashing also crushes the boys who witness it.
Boys are not “toxic”; they are under-challenged. They are not “ADD” -- it is those without fathers who are usually mistakingly diagnosed. Boys are under-exercised and stuck in an educational system designed to maximize the needs and talents of girls, not theirs. Plus they are taught mostly by women and not men. Boys are made to feel like misfits, so they fail. And the girls fail, too, because they lose sight of the happy hopes that used to engage them just a few decades ago. Many today were raised and stuck in a broken system and have no idea what they are missing!
Now that women are described as “no longer being women”, the fun has gone out of relationships. Humor evaporates. Men are not sure how to speak to them, even worse how to consider befriending or dating. So more and more, men avoid the risks.
Even in business circles, Harvard Business Review(1) reports that 21% of men are more reluctant to hire women for jobs requiring close interaction; 19% of men are more reluctant to hire attractive women; and 27% of men avoid one-on-one interaction with female colleagues. And those figures go up every year. Why shouldn’t they?
Feminists are full of hypocrisies. Most women really do not want to bear the full load, but pretend they do. They want time off from work, flextime, benefits to allow them to live two lives at once. When they originally vied for equal pay and shunned traditional roles, they did not foresee the economic and business consequences. As statistics now bear out, forcing equal pay outside the discretion of employers’ judgements eventually led to LESS pay for men! Now many women who would like to be full-time homemakers cannot because their husbands’ incomes are insufficient to support their households! The two-income household has become a trap that few can escape.
Studies show that women, even those who uphold feminist values, still prefer to date and marry men who earn more than they do.(2) The hard-working tradesman who earns less than the woman’s white-collar job is sidelined. Yet the most dangerous and under-appreciated jobs that keep our society functioning are still done by the men. With few exceptions.
These are some of the consequences of the absurd and misguided “war on men”, which is in truth a war on everyone.
The sunken ship doesn’t float; what a surprise.
Some say that heterosexuality “doesn’t work”. I’m not sure how they explain how we all got here if it doesn’t, but in theory, when you don’t practice something the right way, you reap what you sow, not what you hoped for.
Is it the fault of the men that life has been difficult and filled with drudgery, or the fault of both?
Have all forgotten the two-headed snake? The one that doesn’t live long? (Ref. Part I of this series).
In order for a man to step forward to do his job in full confidence, the woman must take a step back first. It is a significant sign of respect and support. That was the sequence that first went astray in Eden.
Men have carried on their duties and obligations for the most part without the level of complaining and blaming levied at them by their confused partners. They have done most of the heavy lifting, most of the bleeding, and their share of the suffering throughout history. Advances in technology have made women feel “equal” to men in the performance of jobs that never existed in the past. That is a distortion that quickly rights itself when the heavy lifting is needed. It’s something to think about. (See our article, “To be Cherished, Cherish HIM!” July 19, 2018).
Men and women have not fundamentally changed but many have lost the balance of traditional values that previously fostered stability in families. Those values once brought fun and joy to life. When families are strong, a nation is strong. Today mental and physical health problems are at an all-time high due to the absence of that foundation. Fathers, men as leaders, are desperately needed and so are women who will respect them. How a mother relates to her husband exerts a powerful influence on what kind of men boys grow up to be, and what kind of men girls seek for in relationships. The kids are watching. All the time.
When men feel defeated, they won’t talk about it. It’s discouraging and pointless to do so. They will not be seen marching in ridiculous parades or launching “hashtag” campaigns to draw attention to their woes. That is also held against them as some sort of deficiency, instead of a badge of honor. It is up to those who berate, disparage and mock them to quit. Show them respect and the men will heal themselves.
“#NOT ME” Means Taking Full Responsibility
Taking full responsibility for one’s personal actions, choices and decisions should be the hallmark of a “#NOT ME” approach to life. It is the opposite of the cowardly “Me too” victim mentality. It is about not tempting others, not putting oneself in tenuous situations, not blaming others for what one could have avoided, and certainly not revisiting past mistakes that one had choices in. Total personal responsibility. Not like the two in the garden, one blaming the serpent, the other the woman.
Most women silently resent men who don’t lead and lose respect for them. Yet they do everything they can to deter them from doing so. It’s one of those situations that is very confusing to men, conducted almost as a fail-fail test, where the man feels “damned if he does and damned if he doesn’t”. The answer, of course is for men to lead anyway! That is their job! They should lead with wisdom and kindness, without caving as Adam did to Eve, or Abraham to Sarah, or as in endless examples that altered the course of history.
“#NOT ME” begins with finding Our Hearts
The unrelenting nature of feminism, almost impossible to oppose, has led to some very ugly results. All sources agree that men are failing in body, mind and spirit. They are discouraged. Yet those very men are the fathers, brothers, husbands, friends, co-workers and sons of women who are penalized along with them.
What impels women to want to destroy the men they were created to be best friends to?
What happened to the woman’s heart? A high percentage of young people today do not even want to have children. Only 43% of young people view having children as a desirable life goal. Millions are aborted and millions more pregnancies are prevented to avoid the inconvenience. Why?
Immorality destroys the heart. It leads it into darkness. That is an initial place to reverse course, a decision to be taken individually. Don’t conceive children without the proven plan in place to nurture and care for them with a father present. That means commitment. Just say, “NO”. In an age of alleged assertiveness among women, it’s amazing how many lack the ability to say that simple word when it’s most needed. For a person with integrity, there should be no breaching that pledge. Once a decision is made, you own it. Period.
Those aspiring to a perpetual single lifestyle, or married and childless, are missing some of the greatest components of human happiness. Love grows with giving, and there is no more giving required than in the care and nurturing of tiny human beings.
Those values were at the heart of traditional marriage, ensuring commitment, steadfastness, trust and security, without which most of our causes of mental, emotional and even physical stresses and illnesses emanate.
Without child-rearing many of life’s greatest joys and lessons, both highs and lows, are never experienced. Without family and children there may be fewer or different complications but equally fewer challenges and rewards. The family was never just about producing new human beings, it was the primary tool for developing the best attributes of human character.
Take The Pledge!
“#NOT ME” is about leaving the allegorical apple on the tree.
It is about being the woman who rejects toxic feminism and is willing to turn over a new leaf in her relationships.
It is about being willing to let go of the reins in the long-term interest of all when that is the best service to be rendered.
It is about exercising feminine leadership in the way only women can, not by trying to be men, but by exercising to their fullest all the gifts and talents given to them, and letting the men be men.
It is not about being suppressed, but about not suppressing others.
Women hold the power to restore hope, confidence and joy in others. It is not a power to be disdained but cherished. It complements the powers given to men. Embrace it.
Copyright 2020 Nancy Diraison/Diraison Publishing. All Rights Reserved. Sharing only permitted with full credits as to authorship and sources.
(1) Harvard Business Review, Sept. 20, 2019: https://www.theblaze.com/news/new-study-reveals-the-metoo-movement-has-backfired-those-are-steps-backward
Recommended reading: Books for mutual understanding: Shaunti and Jeff Feldhahn “For Men Only” and “For Women Only”. Simple, straightforward books to help men and women understand each others’ thinking.
Dreamstime photo credits:
Two green apples: ID 129351520 © Missjelena | Dreamstime.com
Titanic ID 25015249 © Wayne Mckown | Dreamstime.com
Two-headed snake. ID 23771325 © Isselee | Dreamstime.com
Depressed soldier Photo 124694334 © Katarzyna Bialasiewicz - Dreamstime.com
Crying baby Photo 5961843 © Julya_shylova - Dreamstime.com
Two lovers sitting on park bench. ID 68734541 © Jovanmandic | Dreamstime.com